fed the fuck up.

i have not written a blog in a while for several reasons. those reasons include the fact that i havent had constant internet access lately. another reason...i havent really had much to talk about...well i suppose nothing i want to share with the world haha. its nothing, really. i can write blogs on my g1, but its sooo much easier to just write blogs on the computer. But today, I just felt like writing.

I have been back from frostburg for 6 days shy of a month. Surprisingly so, I have done a lot, but for a reason inexplainable, I have not been to randallstown, gwynn oak, or bel air while I've been back. And I can't say that its not y fault, however I can't say I'm not completely responsible for it either. The 3 towns I just named happen to be the residences of my closest friends. I don't know it its just because I moved. I don't know if its because I don't care. Because I can't help my nonchalantness...trust me, I'm working on it. But what really fucking ticks me off is that some people expect me to get up at the drop of a dime and go visit them when they seem to make absolutely no effort to come see me. I moved, damn it. Only one of my best friends has actually come to see me at my new house. And that was brittany (elite). That says a lot. Jessica had the fucking nerve to tell me that I need to come down to bel air and chill at kiersten's house. For what? You don't talk to me. I hear from kiersten more than I hear from her, and wouldn't have a problem going there. But this is jessica, my alleged best friend since elementary school, one my first friends I made after moving to baltimore county. She wouldn't even know kiersten if it wasn't for me. We all went to the same middle school, kiersten didn't know jessica went to deer park until we were in high school. They had absolutely no connection.

But me being the nice bitch that I am, let my friends mix in together and now I have created a whole new collaboration.7 so I think jessica went to Bel Air. Bel Air is in Harford county, mind you. I still live in baltimore county, and I still live closer to randallstown than kiersten does. But it seems to be more convenient to travel there than to visit me in the same county. Its cool. Honestly I can say that I don't care, but I'm just pissed off that jessica had the fucking nerve to tell me where I need to be. So when people come bback to their sense and realize the lack of sense they are showing, I'll be here. Not to mention, I did come to bel air over my winter break. Spent the night too.

I still talk to brittany on a regular basis, if not on the hpone, we definitely text. She hasn't changed much. I haven't seen her either but we still talk and laugh and joke like always. And I have texted kiersten occasionally. But jessica...no. if I didn't know any better I would assumed she died or ran away to Peru. And I'm okay with that. There are some friends that you really don't need to talk to every day. But it seems like Albert is the only one of close friends that talk to like every day. Not because I make a bigger effort to him than I do everyone else, he seems to make the bigger effort THAN everyone else...maybe its because I have never gotten completely along with girls, strange as it may seem. I think girls are too sensitive and dramatic and have too many issues for me to keep up with. I just don't like girls except the ones that take the time to see past my ill tendencies. I grew up with males. I have 3 brothers, no sisters. Male cousins mostly. I was friends with their friends. The female cousins I do have are just like me. So when it comes to friends, I relate better to males because I am hardly emotional, girly or needy. And that is what I'm told that makes me stand out from other girls. But like I said, my friends (most of them) are the exceptions. They're weird like me. And with the exception of brittany, we all grew up with boys. But we just don't seem to have the same interests. I'm not really interested in anything, I like to take whatever comes at me. They like to party and talk about boys and shit. Not that its a problem but iget sick of it. I'm not pressed at all. 9 times out of 10 if I like someone, I won't say it because its not that important to me. And I'm also sick of jessica and kiersten bringing up my past all the fucking time. Its nothing bad, trust me, but a while back, they claimed that I kept secrets and shit from them about a guy I talked to in fucking middle school. Petty. I'm a private person, I can't help it. And middle school, as far as romantics are concerned, is irrelevant. It is. Who the fuck care about anything before high school? And through high school I didn't keep much to myself. But I just don't like to talk about myself in that aspect. Its my business and my decision whether or not I care to share it. I hate assumptions that any male I utter 2 words to has to become a love interest. Its so annoying.

I remember jessica kept saying that me and albert should go out. WHAT THE FUCK. Nothing against him but...no. why would I ruin our friendship like that and besides that he went with 2 of my best friends. No sir, not me. Besides, I don't look at him like that anyway. Let me live my fucking life and don't make any of your stupid predictions with me about who's going to have kids first and blah blah blah. They make me sound like a creepin ass ho sometimes. Which I am far from. Shit, its not my fault that people like me. I don't have to dignify them though.. if I dignified every person who liked me, I would be a very unhappy person, and things would have happened that I would regret now. Nature takes its own course.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about them, but if anyone knows me even a little bit they know I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I don't care if it makes you cry or whatever. Maybe I'm the fucked up one. But I just had to get that out of my head and let it be known how I am and the way it goes. Nothing I said can't be repeated in person. But this is the gentle, calm, less harsh version. I still love my friendss, they make a part of my character, and I would hate to lose them completely. But I think we all need to be in one place and talk this shit out. I want to speak my mind. And they can say their feelings to me too. I don't care. Its for the better. Instead of pretending shit is dandy and cool and just throw a best friend title on me, let me KNOW. Tell me that its not just a front. Because we are the most distant best friends I have ever seen in my 18 years of existence on this dear planet.

I don't pick favorites, but they make it so hard. And none of them have a blogspot, so they probably should never see this, but if they do, so be it. Maybe I'll give them the link to it. I don't want to seem like I'm asking for attention but damn, I'm just not going to be quiet anymore.

This is the longest it has ever taken me to write any blog...ever. as much as I love to prove a point, I don't like saying things quite like this. Perhaps I'll get over it. =]