bliss.

don't judge me.

you don't know what i'm thinking.

you don't know what i've seen.

you didn't know me when i was born, or even now...

and surely nothing in between.

you don't know what i've done

nor do you know what i have said;

you won't know me today, tomorrow,

and you won't know me when i'm dead.

you don't know what i'm not thinking.

you don't know what i haven't seen.

you still didn't know me when i was born, or even now...

and definitely nothing in between.

you don't know what i haven't done

nor do you know what i haven't said;

you won't know me today...or tomorrow

and surely not when i'm dead..

but with patience...

i might share what i'm thinking

and the things i have seen

i'll tell you when i was born

and everything in between.

i'll let you know what i have, and have not done

and what i may or may not have said.

meet me today, and know me tomorrow...

and love me when i'm dead.

a fallen star continues to shine.

Again, I am writing a blog, apparently something that I don't really do as often. I'm writing it from my phone, because for some reasons and more, my internet in my house is not turned back on yet. Well, actually I figured out how to tether my G1's 3G connection to my computer. But its not really stable.

It has been an interesting, yet, boring summer so far. I've been to DC a couple times, hung out in PG a little bit and definitely hung out with my godsisters and brothers and cousins and all that. I still have not seen my friends, as what said in the last blog I wrote. I'm probably going to see them soon.

But I don't want to forget why I remembered that I had a blogspot haha. Yesterday, we lost one of the biggest and by far the awesomest and most talented performer in history. Michael Jackson was a part of all of our lives, especially those of us who are heavily influenced by music like myself. I know everyone has been saying this but I really did grow up with Michael coming out of the speakers. My parents have always been Michael fans, owning many, if not all of his videos. I used to watch these videos with my brother sometimes. My parents are the main reason that I even know Michael Jackson songs. Whenever there is a party in my house, MJ will be in rotation somewhere. My mom cried when she heard he died. My dad looked hurt too. But my little brothers, they looked soo disappointed because they love listening to MJ. They watch the HisTory DVD at least one or twice a week. They were excited when they saw one of his performances on TV. We all were watch CNN in hopes that he was just sick and he would get better. I can't say that I'm a huge, diehard MJ fan, but I definitely can call myself a fan who really appreciated and understood what his music is all about. I don't remember a tme where I didn't know who michael jackson was. He was just always there. He's a part of my household. And now everyone who spoke trash about him has turned the tables. All the publicists who once laughed and jeered at him are now calling him the best thing that ever happened to them. Michael Jackson made me see what perfection in music was. Music has been a part of me since day one; my instruments are my best friends, and MJ showed flawlessness. He makes you want to do music the right way, spend hours practicing even when you're tired, don't half ass it, play the beat the way it is written. Incorporate individuality in your music and art. He never missed a beat or a note. No autotune. No lip sync. No stunts. Pure talent.

I want to send out my love and gratitude to the Jackson family, those who knew Michael the best. I send great condolences to his parents, because NO ONE should EVER have to bury their child. I send prayers that his children will be okay, and that Joe and Katherine never have to bury another one of their kids, and that all of Michael's siblings will have the same.

Rest in Peace, Michael Joseph Jackson. (August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009)

fed the fuck up.

i have not written a blog in a while for several reasons. those reasons include the fact that i havent had constant internet access lately. another reason...i havent really had much to talk about...well i suppose nothing i want to share with the world haha. its nothing, really. i can write blogs on my g1, but its sooo much easier to just write blogs on the computer. But today, I just felt like writing.

I have been back from frostburg for 6 days shy of a month. Surprisingly so, I have done a lot, but for a reason inexplainable, I have not been to randallstown, gwynn oak, or bel air while I've been back. And I can't say that its not y fault, however I can't say I'm not completely responsible for it either. The 3 towns I just named happen to be the residences of my closest friends. I don't know it its just because I moved. I don't know if its because I don't care. Because I can't help my nonchalantness...trust me, I'm working on it. But what really fucking ticks me off is that some people expect me to get up at the drop of a dime and go visit them when they seem to make absolutely no effort to come see me. I moved, damn it. Only one of my best friends has actually come to see me at my new house. And that was brittany (elite). That says a lot. Jessica had the fucking nerve to tell me that I need to come down to bel air and chill at kiersten's house. For what? You don't talk to me. I hear from kiersten more than I hear from her, and wouldn't have a problem going there. But this is jessica, my alleged best friend since elementary school, one my first friends I made after moving to baltimore county. She wouldn't even know kiersten if it wasn't for me. We all went to the same middle school, kiersten didn't know jessica went to deer park until we were in high school. They had absolutely no connection.

But me being the nice bitch that I am, let my friends mix in together and now I have created a whole new collaboration.7 so I think jessica went to Bel Air. Bel Air is in Harford county, mind you. I still live in baltimore county, and I still live closer to randallstown than kiersten does. But it seems to be more convenient to travel there than to visit me in the same county. Its cool. Honestly I can say that I don't care, but I'm just pissed off that jessica had the fucking nerve to tell me where I need to be. So when people come bback to their sense and realize the lack of sense they are showing, I'll be here. Not to mention, I did come to bel air over my winter break. Spent the night too.

I still talk to brittany on a regular basis, if not on the hpone, we definitely text. She hasn't changed much. I haven't seen her either but we still talk and laugh and joke like always. And I have texted kiersten occasionally. But jessica...no. if I didn't know any better I would assumed she died or ran away to Peru. And I'm okay with that. There are some friends that you really don't need to talk to every day. But it seems like Albert is the only one of close friends that talk to like every day. Not because I make a bigger effort to him than I do everyone else, he seems to make the bigger effort THAN everyone else...maybe its because I have never gotten completely along with girls, strange as it may seem. I think girls are too sensitive and dramatic and have too many issues for me to keep up with. I just don't like girls except the ones that take the time to see past my ill tendencies. I grew up with males. I have 3 brothers, no sisters. Male cousins mostly. I was friends with their friends. The female cousins I do have are just like me. So when it comes to friends, I relate better to males because I am hardly emotional, girly or needy. And that is what I'm told that makes me stand out from other girls. But like I said, my friends (most of them) are the exceptions. They're weird like me. And with the exception of brittany, we all grew up with boys. But we just don't seem to have the same interests. I'm not really interested in anything, I like to take whatever comes at me. They like to party and talk about boys and shit. Not that its a problem but iget sick of it. I'm not pressed at all. 9 times out of 10 if I like someone, I won't say it because its not that important to me. And I'm also sick of jessica and kiersten bringing up my past all the fucking time. Its nothing bad, trust me, but a while back, they claimed that I kept secrets and shit from them about a guy I talked to in fucking middle school. Petty. I'm a private person, I can't help it. And middle school, as far as romantics are concerned, is irrelevant. It is. Who the fuck care about anything before high school? And through high school I didn't keep much to myself. But I just don't like to talk about myself in that aspect. Its my business and my decision whether or not I care to share it. I hate assumptions that any male I utter 2 words to has to become a love interest. Its so annoying.

I remember jessica kept saying that me and albert should go out. WHAT THE FUCK. Nothing against him but...no. why would I ruin our friendship like that and besides that he went with 2 of my best friends. No sir, not me. Besides, I don't look at him like that anyway. Let me live my fucking life and don't make any of your stupid predictions with me about who's going to have kids first and blah blah blah. They make me sound like a creepin ass ho sometimes. Which I am far from. Shit, its not my fault that people like me. I don't have to dignify them though.. if I dignified every person who liked me, I would be a very unhappy person, and things would have happened that I would regret now. Nature takes its own course.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about them, but if anyone knows me even a little bit they know I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I don't care if it makes you cry or whatever. Maybe I'm the fucked up one. But I just had to get that out of my head and let it be known how I am and the way it goes. Nothing I said can't be repeated in person. But this is the gentle, calm, less harsh version. I still love my friendss, they make a part of my character, and I would hate to lose them completely. But I think we all need to be in one place and talk this shit out. I want to speak my mind. And they can say their feelings to me too. I don't care. Its for the better. Instead of pretending shit is dandy and cool and just throw a best friend title on me, let me KNOW. Tell me that its not just a front. Because we are the most distant best friends I have ever seen in my 18 years of existence on this dear planet.

I don't pick favorites, but they make it so hard. And none of them have a blogspot, so they probably should never see this, but if they do, so be it. Maybe I'll give them the link to it. I don't want to seem like I'm asking for attention but damn, I'm just not going to be quiet anymore.

This is the longest it has ever taken me to write any blog...ever. as much as I love to prove a point, I don't like saying things quite like this. Perhaps I'll get over it. =]

what's up.

The compostion of other people's blogs have made me remember that I, too, have a blog. lol

I've been okay, we're on our summer break and I have been very relaxed. I recently got a new phone, the G1, which isn't the best phone, but it's practical enough for my uses. Its while, with a clear plastic case, and contrary to my expectations, it is a pretty attractive phone. 

I've been prompted to write because the same thing always happens to me. People always make me think, they really do, and when I hear other people's issue's, it makes me analyze my own similar situations and dilemmas. So here I am going to write about a few different things: future, family, friends...blahhhh

My future is not really blurry, but its not bvery clear either. I have always had an interest in science, most definitely. Whether it was Aeronautics, chemistry, forensics, or biology, it was always science. My old interests always come back, and make me try to reconsider my plans. I have always loved aeronautics, but I didn't pursue it because engineering is very hard and very competitive and it isn't guaranteed to become a successful aeronautic engineer. besides, if i ever did that, I would want to work for Boeing, Lockheed Martin, or Airbus. BIG name aero companies. I still have an interest in forensics, not that this is important but I watch CSI like every day in deep interest. I still am interested in medicine. But I just don't know what kind of medicine yet. But that's okay, because many doctors don't even specialize until residency anyway. But I have a great interest in American Politics and some parts of American history. I am a political science minor, so I think I'm doing okay.

My family is the same mess it has always been, but they're great nonetheless. There are about 22 people in this house as I speak, and they are very loud. I did my two year old cousin's (but since she's youngshe calls me Auntie Tosin) hair, and boy she can talk. She told me that she was a princess. Lol. Someone broke a glass, another fell from a chair and busted her lip, another one of them got their hand stuck in a jar. While I hate being immesely occupied, these kids sure do amuse me. I find it funny that these kids break up into little cliques and get into little arguments. My little brother was holding a 6 month old, and his diaper was a little overdue...poop got on his shirt, I died laughingas I took the baby away from him. lol enough about this madness.

My friends. Ohgeez, my friends. I have some pretty interesting friends. I tell you. Its like mixing and matching. You have fun with a certain combination of friends. When all of them are present at the same time, someone gets either angry or irritated. Otherwise it can just be awkward and boring. Some of them have become distant, which is normal at this age. I barely converse with Jessica or Kiersten anymore, but at one point, they were my closest friends. Not saying that  have a problem, its just natural and people drift, things are becoming real. Things could change, but  I think as far as common interests, we really aren't the same.(you know, besides music). Brittany and Jasmine have been drifting from me since high school, but I still to them from time to time just to touch bases with them. Again, I'm just a little odd compared to them, and they know it, I'm weird. lol But It's still fun to talk to them, because they are really funny and  always have something to share with me. It's never silent on the phone lol. Brittany (Elite) and Albert seem to be the people I talk to the most often, we really haven't changed. I talk to them on the phone pretty often, although I haven't seen either of them since December.Haha. I'm really content with my friends though. Even though all of them are a pain in my ass. lol.

Well that's pretty much my update on everything, I'll try toupdate more often, and I have really been meaning to edit my blog layout but I just don't feel like it so if you would excuse me, I have to return to my family cookout activities. =]

Bringing Freshman Year to a Close

Soo

It has finally come to the end of my freshman year in college. Its been real. REAL. It was pretty interesting because so much happened this school year. I've been amused. I've been pissed off, I'm been all but an exception. I don't regret this year at all...well maybe I could have been more serious...but nonetheless, I am pretty satisfied with this school year. I met some cool people. I met some annoying people as well. There are some people in particular that I can see myself still keeping contact with in 5 years. It has been quite alright to say the least. The people in my residence hall have been amazing. Its almost sad when you start realizing that after Friday, we will no longer be residents of Lowell M. Sowers Residence Hall (don't ask why I even noticed). No more annoying knocks on the door from people asking for something, no more noisy neighbors, no more fights (haha). I think that I have connected with some of the people here, and that is pretty cool. Not saying that this was the most spectacular year ever, but it was one hell of an academic year.

I will not miss those triflin girls that like to leave period blood trails on the bathroom floor, leave hair in the shower drains, get hair dye all over the place, leave loogies in the sink drains, and improperly wrap sanitary pads. I will not miss the fact that our room always smelled like food in the afternoon because we live right on top of a restaurant. I will not miss the random knocks at odd hours of the day. I will not miss the people who annoyed me (well at least not their annoying tendencies). I will not miss the people at the restaurant downstairs waking me up at wee hours with their boombox and reversing food trucks.

But mostly the biggest change that I will have to got through next year is my living situation. I have rented an apartment with two of my friends. So, Morgan will no longer be my roommate.

So she finally gets her shine... Morgan is one of the most eccentric people (or obsessive?) people that I have ever met in my life. There are not too many people that can share the same sense of humor that I have.  Laugh at things that aren't funny (or meant to be). Break up relationship fights with. Help out drunk neighbors and laugh when they aren't looking. She is annoying bitch, but she was an awesome annoying bitch. Life at FSU would not have been as amusing as it was with her. Next year will still be pretty amusing, but it will never emulate or surpass the merryment that I had with Morgan. So, yes, bitch, when you read this, just know...you are pretty fucking amazing. (don't get hyped.) We have like a million insiders and its really funny because in 10th grade when we had Chemistry together, we would have never figured that we would be living with each other for 9 consecutive months. She puts up with my strange (and probably annoying) tendencies. So, will all that said, we (and I) will miss that ho.

As far as my academics, I am definitely going to step up the game next semester. I can't wait to bring the grades where they need to be.

I really don't have much to say, other than the fact that I'm waiting for my dad to get here so he can come get me (and my belongings.)

i'm a bit inspired..

Despite the fact that it's 6:47 am, and I really should be asleep like everyone else in the dorm (except my roommate, morgan...she's up with me). But we want to go get breakfast this morning, and we didn't got to bed until almost 6am so we decided to stay up. I was up studying for today's lab practical - wish me luck by the way- and you know, that has led me to write a blog....you know, among other things.

Okay, so like I was on facebook earlier and somebody posted a video on someone else's wall. it was a video of a beat-boxing flute player named Greg Pattillo. He is effing AMAZING. Here's one of his videos...

but I feel inspired because I went to his youtube account and he also has a video of him performing at the subway in new york..in front of the Q train. but this time he was playing with a cellist. I used to be a cellist, and when i saw this collaboration, it kind of makes me want to perfect my string instrument game. I don't have a cello anymore, though, but I do have a violin. however, my violin has a bad A string, and it sounds "absolutely dreadful" to the ear. 

But I remember when me and Kiersten used to play our instruments together because we were the only ones in out group of friends who could play instruments. She plays the flute and the piano primarily, and she can also play guitar. I play the piano and the string instruments, I am still learning the guitar, and we both can play the drums. We used to play around, and at one point, considered starting a group with jessica, since she sings...heheheh

but you know, that never went anywhere. but I really think instruemental music is the best thing that ever happened to me, and i would be nothing without it. i just wish that i had more time on my hands to practice. hopefully this summer i can get good at my instruments again.

things like this make me miss band.

but that video really made my day, believe it or not. That guy is AMAZING and if her ever came in the Baltimore area, me and Kiersten are going to go watch him. :)

yahhhhhh trick yahhhhhh...lol

greetings earthlings...

heheh

but anyways... I've noticed a grossly increasing number of readership...and that's pretty cool.

in other news, I have like 9 or 10 days left in Frostburg, and I'm kinda excited. I just want to do well on my finals and all that jazz, and hopefully my grades turn out the way I want them to. I have a crapload of work to do, so I really don't understand why I am writing this blog. But you know, sometimes you need to break the monotony.

I have a lot in store for the summer ahead of me. I am looking forward to it, and can't express how relieved I will be when finals are over. It is CRUNCH TIME.

Hmm...what else has happened lately? Nothing really, I've just been doing homework. I have been rather irritated with certain individuals simply because they like to waste my time. it's not that serious, but it just perplexes me when people do things sometimes. and i also am confused by the intentions and wishes of today's youth. [how diplomatic i sound.]

I really have nothing to talk about, and it would help if I had some ideas on things to write about. Uhhhhhh so, I think I'll end this, and with that being said, wish me good luck on my finals and stuff.

haha=]